Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
it's great music for shaving your balls
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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