pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
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