Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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