If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
