I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
