Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
