mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
