my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize