I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
