Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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