Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Randomize
