I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize