Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize