Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
