Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
