we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
The air was thick with penises
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
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