Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
