She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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