ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
You've changed since you got that strap on
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
