take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
