I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
