you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
