don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Randomize
