Need sex. Gaining weight.
I cut my penus on the lid.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize