I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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