we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
