I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Randomize
