I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
This is the high leading the old right now
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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