I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
me + whiskey = a bad person
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
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