Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
My feet surprised me
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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