my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
