So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
i think i have two assholes
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Randomize
