Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
