sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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