If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Randomize