If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Randomize
