I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
