I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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