If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
