I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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