My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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