if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
