do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
