capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I take back everything I said about communal showers
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
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