bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
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