shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
