You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
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