I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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