It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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