just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize