I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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