remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
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