let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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