So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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