how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
