I'm lost and stupid without you.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Randomize
