He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Text me some of your sweat
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
