my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
