the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
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