someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Randomize
