Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
