Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
