She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
