I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Randomize
