My sheets look like a crime scene.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
Michael Bay diarrhea
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
