Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Randomize
