You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
