saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
